Finish what is started

Why don't you finish a conversation instead of run off and pretend it didn't exist in the first place? Why don't you try and find a solution instead of pretend that everything is just fine and dandy? Take into consideration what is being said and try and talk it out instead of leave it at a disagree ment. Communication skills are a true key to anything and when they are nonexistant nothing gets accomplished and my life is going down a hill that is leading to being miserable. I am becoming nonexistant in my own household. My feelings don't matter and are pushed aside and I am supposed to pretend like everything is just fine. No I don't want to sit in front of the tv for hours on end. God forbid you try to love me like you used to. You break my heart on a daily basis and don't even care. I might as well be 60 and in a marriage where I walk around like a ghost. I cry when you don't see me. I pray to God you will at least pay attention long enough to realize something is wrong. Instead, I go to sleep at night hoping not to wake up crying again.

Blah

I have come to the conclusion that in order for me to stay in a semi-sweet mood I am going to have to keep myself medicated to keep my pain away, immediately get in comfy cothes when I get home, and take some time for myself tonight where I'm not bombarded with 1000 questions at once for hours on end from the girls. I think thats what is the first thing to set me in a bad mood is when I walk through the door I am automatically answering a 1000 different questions one right after the other until they go to bed. It grates my nerves. I want to tell them to breathe between sentences. I might sound bitchy but that annoys the hell out of me. I think it stems from being an only child and not having the option to annoy a big sister and my parents were either not home or in the hospital so I was always entertaining myself. I'm not saying that children shouldn't ask questions. I'm just saying that maybe they should spread them out a little more so it doesn't scramble my brain.

How Horrid!

OK! No one told me I still had half a tortilla stuck in my teeth before I returned to work from lunch! EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Yay and Stuff

So my doctor, who is a lovely woman by the way (aka she listens well), said that I have fibro blah blah blah in my boobies caused from too much estrogen in my system. She took me off my estrogen and sent me straight to the lab for a thyroid test so she can up my thyroid meds because I'm still gaining weight because my thyroid is retarded. Let me say this, the nurse that took my blood was horrid because she jabbed my arm and now i'm bruised. That was the worst blood stick ever. She should go back to school. I'm also on a diet of protein, low carb, and no good stuff. I've got a lot of water retention from the estrogen in my system so once it exits my system some of the weight should come off fairly easy. I might have a chance for my dad to walk me down the aisle instead of roll me. We'll see.

I'm ready for the storms for the next couple of days but pissed that we have a chance for snow Saturday. I guess Grace won't have practice and we will be stuck at the house all weekend. Winter really sucks.

Today is the day

Today is the day that I go to the doctor appointment that all women hope they never have to schedule but most women do. Today I go to the doctor to get the lovely painful lumps in my breasts checked out. I know that it will probably be nothing but I do have to remind myself that I do not have a normal body. I am blessed with a low immune system, hypothyroidism, and various symptoms of lupus that haven't been able to be controlled quite yet.

I'm a little nervous but more than anything I just want the doctor to listen to me when I tell her that my body feels not quite right and I want her to fix it. I don't believe that my estrogen or thyroid meds are working and I hope she ups the dosage of both. I can still feel the endometriosis on the ovary the doctors so generously left me. I'm not so worried about that though. It's a pain I'm used to and can deal with most of the time. I've got to remember to ask for a referral for the pain management doctor. My back is just getting worse and I'm sorry but telling a patient with hypothyroidism to lose weight and then come back for a disc that is pinching a nerve in the back is ludicrous and stupid! If I could lose the weight easily buddy don't you think I would?? I'll just walk around in complete pain until I miraculously lose the weight. Such a Catch 22 and doctors are idiots most of the time. Amazing that i want to work for one.

Anyhow, even though my body is retarded I have faith that my primary doctor will fix whatever is making me feel funky all the time and tell me that my lumps in my breasts are just another lovely side effect from some hormonal imbalance somewhere. I'm glad I shaved my legs last night. At least i have a hairless body for the exam.

Clarification LOL

NO. I am not married yet. I just didn't want to take the time to have to remember to change my last name when I do get married in October. :)

Finally!

I finally created a blog that isn't a part of Myspace or Facebook. That is just mine and I can control who knows the address to the blog. Jeremy said I should start journaling again and I agree so I have chosen to journal this way. Uninhibited and unfiltered is how I choose to write this. I don't want to worry about stepping on anyone's toes or hurting anyone's feelings. When I'm mad at Jeremy I want to be able to express it without being labeled a bad wife.. When I am fed up with my children I want to be able to express it without being labeled a bad mother. I want to be able to vent my true feelings about something without being bashed for it. We all know feelings change as much as the wind and everything is situational.